Not much for you today, I'm afraid, I'm too busy with my own pain. There does come a point when excess becomes a little undignified. I'm forty five, for Christ's sake. And I've had to order a taxi to take me to the football. Well, there's no way I'm getting there under my own steam.

But you've come all this way to see me, across oceans and continents in some cases, and I really ought to give you something. Fortunately I've got just the thing. Courtesy of Zooillogix, it's the Giant Mechanical Riding Spiders. Some people really know how to do titles, don't they?

It's a friend's birthday party tonight, which means tomorrow I have to go through all this again. Honestly, couldn't someone come and indoctrinate me into their cult, or something? Please, save me from myself. Brainwash me if you like. I think I could do with a rinse up there anyway.