When I'm not hiding in here I'm an adult education tutor. I don't write about it much though, for two good reasons. Firstly I'm not allowed to humiliate my students in public for some reason, even if they're what's known in the trade as challenging. Secondly, so much of what I do is paperwork that writing about it would be really tedious for you to read, and more importantly for me to write. And I do so abhor tedium, as you know.

Fifteen years ago there were few forms, but since then they've multiplied. Schemes of work, session plans, record of achievement sheets, evaluation forms, individual learning plans, enrolment forms, course information sheets, course summary sheets, I'm sure by now you're taking the point about tedium. Never mind you, though, what about muggins here filling them all in?

I used to think I understood bureaucratic proliferation. I used to think it was because each new local government management team celebrated their appointment by creating a new form, and over the decades they accreted like guano on a Patagonian cliff top. Now, though, I've decided something more sinister is happening.

Incidentally, did you know the Latin word sinister meant left handed? The word for right handed is dexter, which gives us dextrous. Bigotry really is as old as the hills. Actually by geological standards most British hills are quite young, but that's another story.

I'm imagining something sinister in the sense of unnerving, though. My explanation for the rise and rise of the tickbox is that the British state has been suborned by a secret conspiracy of obsessive compulsives. Twenty years ago sufferers started to organise therapy and self-help groups, and looking at society at large it must have struck them as incredibly sloppy, with a shocking failure to constantly count things. If there's one thing you can rely on obsessives for it's focus, so infiltrating themselves into the machinery of government must have been child's play.

And it can't be hard to persuade civil servants they need more data. After all, if data isn't important what's the point of their jobs? When did any ministerial flunky ever get the sack for suggesting a new round of consultation? Where I live, in the project-rich inner city, it's got so you're as busy dodging clipboard huggers as you are joyriders.

Now I know what you're thinking - if there's anything in this conspiracy theory, why is this the first time I've ever heard it suggested? Honestly, how can you be so naive? Just think about this. We know that obsessive compulsives started to get organised back in the Eighties. We also know they're really good at attention to detail and share a strongly defined world view. How likely is it that they have never ever tried to take over the reins of government? And wouldn't we have heard about it if they'd failed?

The very lack of evidence for such a conspiracy, when viewed in this light, is the strongest indicator that it must have succeeded. If we had any reason to believe it, it would actually be much less plausible.

Of course, it's not just Britain. Even to think it might be would be to live in a fool's paradise. The paper trail stretches across the world, and now its tendrils curve through cyberspace as well. I've decided to break cover to warn you of the threat, but now I'm going to have to go to ground. Expect only occasional posts from now on, typed in the back of a dirty van (they couldn't bear to look in it) and piggybacked on the carrier wave of a stolen wifi connection. Tell your friends, but not the tidy ones. And bin those forms. You know it makes sense.