I had a very lazy December, and I really couldn't be bothered with cooking. This meant I was mainly eating meat, because you don't need to do much that's culinary to prepare it. You just shove it in the oven or under the grill, set the timer and go back to looking for websites about giant mechanical riding spiders, which is a lot more interesting if you ask me.

The vegetarians won't be very impressed, but few among you will be surprised. I wouldn't even bother mentioning it, except that I weighed myself shortly before Christmas, and I've lost half a stone. it decided me. I'm going on the Atkins.

At first I thought the Atkins was a diet in which you ate things which ought to make you fat, called it a Diet with a capital D and mysteriously became thinner. It turns out that people on the Atkins actually eat a lot less, even though they haven't been told to, because of the amount of protein they eat. Protein plays a large role in satisfying the appetite, so high protein foods suppress the appetite more effectively than other foods.

Unfortunately I'm still allowed vegetables, twenty four years of vegetarianism not apparently being deemed sufficient, but foods with lots of carbohydrates are out, especially at first. This means no bread, which is going to be a bit weird. It also means no beans, rice or potatoes.

It transpires that I have to distinguish between good carbs and bad carbs, which seems to be another way of saying good and bad fats. Trans fat is bad, but poly and mono unsaturated fats are OK, and so apparently are saturated fats. Trans fat comes mainly in processed foods, whereas saturated fat is in meat and dairy products. This appears to mean that cheese is OK. I had been planning to cut down on cheese, but if Doctor Atkins insists it would be rude to demur.

High protein foods in general are the mainstay, so that means lots of meat, fish and eggs. And tofu, which I'm still a fan of. As a result, I'm off sweets and chocs, and I don't actually mind this because I'm still experiencing meat as a treat.

That's an idea, actually. I think I'll use rhymes as a motivating device. So, meat is a treat, fish is a fine dish, cheese is much better than peas, and Atkins begs that I eat more eggs.

Incidentally, did you know that the word diet originally meant a public meeting? In 1521 Martin Luther was interrogated for months at a meeting organised by the Pope and the Holy Roman Emperor in the German town of Worms, and historians refer to this event as the Diet of Worms. I think I'll stick to the Atkins, personally. Worms are full of germs, and only fit for pachyderms.